Sausage & Egg snackMuffin

There is something incomparably dirty, yet singularly satisfying about the Sausage and Egg McMuffin as a breakfast or brunch. The processed cheese that has but a passing acquaintance with Dairy produce, the grease-seeping sausage patty of undefined meat-like substances, and the egg... which is, thankfully, unmistakeably egg. Pressed together within a good, thick muffin, they create the kind of taste sensation that the old "It's like a party on my tongue..." jokes were made for.

But if it just ain't Breakfast Time at McDonalds anymore, what's a guy to do but...

Come on, you're reading snacks & the single man, a blog in which I prepare myriad and sometimes bizarre foodstuffs in my very own kitchen (when I'm not being lazy and cooking something prepackaged), surely you can guess..?

...That's right: Make His Own.

Those of a fragile disposition, or who dislike even the concept of Home-Made McDonalds should leave while still in possession of their faculties. What are you doing here anyway? It's not all cookies and brownies.

Ingredients:

• Muffins
• Pork Sausages (2 per snackMuffin)
• Eggs (medium will do)
• Processed Cheese Slices (Dairylea again, on this occasion)
• Butter
• Cooking Oil (just a dash, to prevent the butter from caramelising)

Preparation Time: about 10-15 minutes

Tools Required:

• Frying Pan
• Toaster
• Knife (to cut Muffins and Sausages)
• Spatula
• Egg Rings (optional

Process:
Start by slicing open the muffins, then cut the sausages lengthways, opening them out but taking care not to split them entirely. It's helpful, but not imperative, that the sausages are of approximately the same size as the muffins.

Melt the butter in the frying pan and add the oil. Once it's all good and medium-hot, add the sausages, as they'll take the longest to cook. Turn them occasionally so they're cooked evenly on both sides. As they begin to go grey and show signs that they're nearing completion, lower the heat, crack open the egg and dump it into the pan, using an egg ring if your obsessive compulsion requires a perfectly even, circular egg. Mine does not. I arranged the sausages to act as barriers to the egg, so it came out nearly shaped like a quarter circle... but I'm just awesome that way. I flip my omelettes, remember.

As the egg cooks, pop the muffin halves into the toaster on a relatively low setting - muffins tend to be thicker and more moist than yer average slice of bread, so adjust accordingly. You're aiming for a light toasting, rather than '3 seconds from charcoal'.

Keep turning the sausages in the last couple of minutes. When the muffin pops back out of the toaster, lay the processed cheese slice on one half, then transfer the two sausages on top (draining if necessary), then the egg. Finally push the other half of the muffin down on top and consume while still nice and warm.

The Results:
Bizarrely, McDonalds so-called 'sausagemeat' patties actually have more flavour (or, perhaps, more salt) than the sausages I picked up (Waitrose Premium Pork), and their processed cheese must contain some form of fireproofing, because this didn't actually taste as good (or should that be as dirty?) or stay as solid as the genuine article. Nevertheless, it was a most satisfactory snack.

It requires rather more time and effort than the Filet O'Fish Fingers, but it's effort worth making and time well spent. The contents ooze out in an enticing manner, made all the more precarious by the fact that there are two split-open-and-flattened sausages in there, rather than one sausagemeat patty. Either one could slip out at any time... perhaps even both. That could get messy.

Again, those with food-related OCD issues may want to take the sausagemeat out of its skin and fashion their own patties to go in the pan along with their nice, tidy egg rings. My wonderfully assymmetrical snackMuffin was just right.

Margherita plus... M&S Festive Spiced Streaky Bacon

While I love pizza, I am a conscientious objector to the Margherita. I mean, honestly, what's the point? It's a pizza without any topping (no, cheese is not a topping, it's the default state - one may have extra cheese, but the presence of some cheese is a given). It's pizza for people who don't like pizza.

But it's also an excellent starting point. And, with this Blog going experimental with baking, it was surely only a matter of time before I had the epiphany that led to adding my own choice of toppings to the humble Margherita.

And what better way to begin, as ye Festive Season approacheth, than with Marks & Spencer Festive Spiced Streaky Bacon? The label describes it thusly: "With festive spices of cinnamon, ginger, allspice and nutmeg. Perfect for laying over turkeys or as part of Boxing Day breakfast". While I might query the grammar of the description (spices of? Really M&S?), I cannot deny its veracity. It seems to have been prepared in much the same way as yer average breaded ham - a great chunk of meat is coated, then sliced finely - in that the festive spices appear as but a thin layer around the edge of the bacon. Fret not, however, as the flavour suggests a slightly more extensive form of seasoning once the bacon is cooked.

And, yes, I'd sampled the bacon prior to this pizza experiment. A couple of slices made it into an all-day breakfast I'd prepared the night before. I normally steer clear of streaky bacon just because the proportions of meat to fat are damn near 50:50, and I prefer my meat to have more... well... meat. But the description piqued my curiosity, and I was intrigued enough to give it a try.

Hey, don't knock it - first, I may be experimenting with food, but I ain't stupid; second, the sampling of festive bacon actually helped to inspire this pizza.

Come on now, do I really need to list the ingredients? Oh, why not? Let's get specific...

Ingredients:

• 1 Pizza Express Margherita (shop's own brands would do, but a trusted brand in pizza is preferable)
• 4-5 Rashers M&S Festive Spiced Streaky Bacon
• Nothing Else. Really. Move Along, Please.

Preparation Time: Approx 14 minutes

Tools Required:

• Oh, Good Grief. Really?
• Alright, then... A Pizza Slice. Or a Knife, if you prefer.
  

Process:
How specific do I need to get here? Preheat the oven to 190degrees. Open the Pizza Express Margherita box, remove it from its plastic wrap. Lay out 4 or 5 rashers of the bacon across the pizza, then place the pizza into the oven - being careful to separate the pizza from its polystyrene base beforehand - and cook for about 14 minutes. Remove from the oven and serve when fully cooked.

Did I miss anything? I don't think so... but, hey, let me know if there are any glaring omissions (such as "use oven gloves and exercise caution when placing the pizza in the oven and when removing it. The oven will be hot"... Except I guess I just covered that one...).

See how quick that was, both in preparation time and cooking?

The Results:
Well, lesson #1 in 'How to Make a Margherita Less Boring' was both simple and very successful. Normal bacon can be a little sharp and salty for adding to even the barest of pizzas - the oil from the cheese and the fat from the bacon would tend to make it rather unpleasantly slimey, which is why bacon normally appears on pizza in tiny chunks. This stuff, meanwhile, is subtle of flavour... not especially salty, and the spices serve both to bring out its flavour and supplement it. The effect, upon a pizza as otherwise bland as the Margherita, is nothing short of stunning.

On the downside, even having given this the full, recommended 14 minutes of cooking time, the bacon remained a little underdone for my taste: I prefer the fat to be fairly crispy, and some of it was still positively moist. Breaking the habit of a lifetime, I did not permit this to deter me... and I very much enjoyed this little upgrade.

I do feel, however, that I should apologise for having basically created The Christmas Pizza... I mean, all you'd need to do is add a few choice cuts of turkey, some sliced cocktail sausage and a touch of cranberry sauce, and you're right there.